The Adventures of Marianne

Monday, March 14, 2005

Relentless Restlessness

I must have been a raccoon in my past life. I'm nocturnal and living in garbage. And I like to make that crazy coorrring noise when I'm all alone. The evidence speaks for itself.

The nocturnality (? is that a word?) can be partly explained by my expertise in procrastination and time wasting (note: online JEOPARDY! is not in this category. Best use of time ever.) and the looming deadline of my marketing paper (tomorrow at noon. today at noon, I suppose - the numbers on the computer clock are rapidly approaching 05.34). Wow, that was a lot of parentheses. I don't know if it's the caffeine, but for some reason I am so incredibly restless, and can't concentrate at all (which really is too bad, as I doubt that marketing paper will write itself within the next six hours) - I am to calm what Avril Lavigne is to genuine, I am so restless that I'm not even making sense to myself. I just want something to happen! Oh my, what a luxury problem! "Whine whine, my life is so boring, whine whine, nothing is ever happening." That isn't even the case - in the last 3 months I've done more exciting things than I have in a long time... Why then am I this fucking restless!?

I'm starting to realize that I only have less than a year left of my life as an undergradute, and the fact that I don't even know what I'll be doing scares. But even more so, the idea of actually working, and having a real adult life scares me even more. For as long as I can remember I haven't known what I have wanted to do with my life - of course there have been dreams, but now (and then, really) they all seem so unrealistic, and I have this lump in my stomach telling me that I probably will end up in mediocrity. Oh, she had such great potential. Squandered. Squashed. Lost in a life of inaction. Oh, how I hope this is just me being paranoid, pessimistic, overly pragmatic, even.

I talked to Elisabeth earlier tonight, and we nostalgized about the days of ISS in Stavanger and High School - we were such a good group of friends with such fun times. Hours and years of adventure, fun and prospects for the future - and she told me, "What if those were our glory days? What if that's all there was?" What if there really isn't that much more to look forward to? Terrifying.

I'm almost disgusted by my melodrama here - I'm in SINGAPORE, having an amazing time, why the hell am I whining? I don't even mean to complain, I'm just confused - lost in the ignorance of not knowing.

Deep. Or shallow, maybe?

1 Comments:

  • Yo, where is online Jeopardy? I found one on MSN Zone...but its single player.

    By Blogger Tekal, at 1:20 pm  

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